I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
