Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
