I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
