You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
