I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
