I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
