i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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