saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
