He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
God I need to hump something, right now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
