Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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