the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
