looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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