Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
