Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
