I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
