my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
did you just send me my own nude
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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