If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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