If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
