A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
