You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
