Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We don't watch enough power rangers
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
