I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
