Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
