I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
