I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
