So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
