we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
