Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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