Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
