I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
And then he peed in my hair
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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