I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
