can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
