i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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