12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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