Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
