I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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