Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
