"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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