He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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