He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
