So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
