You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
