my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
