I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
