He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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