You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
