Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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