The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sext me about skeletons
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
