From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
