got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
