you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
